


Our Tongues Are God's Failed Invention

by embarrassing_myself



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming of Age, Drug Use, M/M, Music, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 15:47:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9448775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embarrassing_myself/pseuds/embarrassing_myself
Summary: Phil’s not really into the underground music scene. Charlie is though and he’s desperate to see his favorite local band play. Which is how Phil finds himself pleading with the obnoxiously cool bouncer to let them into the club. Somehow, Dan manages to tangle himself into Phil’s life. Phil can’t figure out why somebody like Dan would want to hang out with somebody like himself. Dan’s the bad boy who smokes cigarettes and listens to bands Phil’s never heard of. Phil is the self-loathing loser who’s too afraid of disappointment. It turns out though that Dan has more issues than Phil could ever keep track of.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I take trigger warnings seriously, please be aware of the tags.

“There’s no way we’re getting in, you have to be eighteen to even get passed the bouncer,” Phil stated, his eyes falling back down to his half eaten pizza. “You should probably just try and find a way to forget about it,” he added, glancing at Charlie with mild concern. He knew it was his favorite ‘local’ band but there didn’t seem to be any other solution. Sixteen was a tragic age indeed.

“No, we are getting in to see that god damn band and that’s all there is to it!” Charlie snapped back, grabbing the edge of the lunch table and shaking it lightly. “When good music is in town you don’t ‘get over it,’ Phil. I’ve waited three years to see them and I am not missing this,” Charlie said as his fingers clenched so tightly against the fake wood that his knuckles went weight. 

Phil sighed softly before shaking his head. “Okay number one, they’re not coming to our town. It’s in Wokingham an hour away. Number two, you want me to ask my brother if we can borrow his car to get there! And lastly it’s the Vanguard and nobody under eighteen gets in,” Phil said counting the reasons off on his fingers. “Just forget it, it’s not happening.” 

-o-

“Wreck this car and you’re dead, run this car out of gas and you’re dead, if this car isn’t sitting here when I wake up in the morning, I’m going to murder you both,” Martyn growled, his voice low and threating as he begrudgingly handed Phil the keys. “I can’t believe I’m letting you do this,” he grumbled before running a hand down his face. Phil couldn’t believe it either. He couldn’t believe Charlie had talked him into it in the first place. The tears probably played a big part in it but looking back now they did seem kind of fake. 

“Alright I promise. Don’t open your mouth to anyone, I told dad we were going to the movies and that afterwards we were going back to Charlie’s house,” Phil ordered, waiting for his friend to crawl into the passenger seat next to him before he started the engine. 

“If this car isn’t here by six am, I’m telling them both everything I know,” Martyn warned, his eyes narrowing some as he closed Phil’s door for him. “Be careful,” he finally added before heading back inside and parting ways with the younger boys.

Phil was cautious as he started to back the old car down and out of the driveway. He wasn’t nearly experienced enough to be driving an hour away but it was too late to turn back now. He didn’t like the music scene or the band, regardless it was happening. Sort of. He still didn’t know how they were going to get in. “That was really cool of your brother to let us borrow his car,” Charlie said with excitement as he fumbled with the radio. 

It was true, Martyn wasn’t usually that cool and the shitty car was his pride and joy, next to his girlfriend of course. When it came down to it he knew it was her who had gotten his brother to agree. He’d over heard the conversation they had when he first asked. “Martyn, we’ve been dating for three years and I’ve never seen or heard of him doing anything remotely fun, just let him go with his friends. Alright?” 

“It’s only because his girlfriend thinks we’re weird and we never do anything fun or normal,” Phil frowned as he tried to navigate the road. He’d actually never been the Vanguard despite having been to Workingham plenty of times. “Tell me you at least have a plan for getting us in?” He asked.

 

“Well, I’m going to ask the bouncer if they can let us in,” Charlie replied, trying to add an air of confidence to his voice. He continued to play with the radio, not exactly wanting to look back at Phil right then. Not that the other boy could take his eyes off the road but still.

“Are you serious?” He groaned as he spared Charlie a look. “That’s your big plan, you’re going to talk to the bouncer? Charlie that’s never going to work, we’re probably driving up here for nothing,” Phil heaved with annoyance. “They’re going to think we’re stupid!” Who wouldn’t?

“Phil I’m not leaving without seeing this band, I don’t care if I have to sneak in the back doors. I promise I will not leave tonight without having fulfilled my musical ambitions,” Charlie huffed, determination and promise in his voice. When somebody talks like that it’s kind of hard not to believe them. Still Phil doesn’t see how they are going to do it. 

“Just don’t forget to put gas in alright? If we run it out we’re both dead,” Phil uttered before both boys settled into silence. Sometimes he wonders why he’s friends with Charlie. He likes to get them into crazy situations that Phil doesn’t particularly enjoy being in. Yeah he likes music but not really the scene in a sense. He’s more of the person who just wants to sit and listen to some new bands. He doesn’t want to mosh or riot, he doesn’t like getting beer poured all over him or how his ears ring after every show. What’s fun about being sweaty and out of breath while people thrash into you? Charlie loves it though and Phil’s trying hard to be a good friend. 

Sadly, it’s hard being a good friend. Most of the time people leave Phil, he’s gotten used to it though. He can’t count on anyone to stick around. He has friends he’s known for years but someday they won’t be his friend. They’ll move on to bigger and better things. It’s the truth and there is no denying it. In the end everyone leaves you. Which is why he tries so hard to be a good friend. Cause if everyone leaves, it must actually be him. Maybe he can prolong it if he’s lucky but he’s working on distancing himself. He wants to be as close to as little people as possible. Don’t get your hopes up, don’t get disappointed. 

When they get to the club Charlie’s eyes are wide and filled with excitement but there is also a bit of fear there too. Like he’s finally realizing what a stupid fucking plan this is. Phil finds a parking space right next to the front doors. The thing with local bands is that not too many people turn up to see them. But it’s still early and there is hope for a good turnout. “I don’t know to say,” Charlie mumbles suddenly when Phil kills the engine. 

“What do you mean?” he asked with slight worry. “You didn’t even think about what to say?” He asked, getting slightly exasperated with the situation. “You had a whole hour to think of something good, well now were here and you’re going to choke?” He knows these aren’t the words good friends say but Phil was sort of pissed. He borrowed his brother’s car, lied to his parents, and drove an hour to some shitty show for Charlie. Does he really have to do everything? “Just ask them if we can come in?”

 

“I’m no good with words,” Charlie said, unbuckling his seat belt but not getting out just yet. “You know I fuck up whatever I say. You’re better at it. You know how to talk,” Charlie adds, his voice slight and unsure. Phil can already see where this is going and he wants to cuss about it. Because what the hell? “Would you please Phil?! I thought I could do it but I can’t. I’m screwing up already, please?” Charlie begged.

“They aren’t going to let us in, so you might as well start thinking of ways to sneak inside,” Phil deadpanned as he undid his seatbelt and opened the door despite himself. “But I’ll try, just don’t be upset when I get laughed at over this. You owe me so big,” he sighed. Maybe being a good friend is overrated? Because right then he really wants to punch Charlie in the face. 

For a second Charlie looked like he couldn’t believe Phil is actually going to go through with it. Because he couldn’t do it. He’d gotten cold feet the very last second. But there was something about being sixteen and trying to lie about it. You usually had to look old enough or at least be half a decent liar. And Phil was neither. 

Phil was tall for his age but the bouncer was taller and more intimidating then Phil wanted to admit. He didn’t have any kind of ‘in list’ but he did have a badge around his neck and a cigarette in his mouth. His brown hair matched his eyes perfectly, he was dressed in black, and he looked cooler than Phil could ever hope to be. 

Fuck, this is a new level of pathetic, he thought to himself as he stepped closer. The bouncer finally looked up and Phil realized he looked a good couple of years older than himself. Of course he’s older than you, he works here and he smokes. he thought as he tried to swallow the knot in his throat. 

Phil was sure he’d only get one chance to make a good impression. So he cleared his throat and gave the older boy his most hopeful smile. One that clearly said ‘I’m still a few years from eighteen but I really want to get into this club and the only thing stopping me is you. So what do you say?’ The bouncer smirked at Phil in return, pulling the cigarette from lips. “Not a chance,” he said as he shook his head. 

Instantly Phil’s shoulders shagged and the smile vanished from his own lips. Was it that obvious? “Sorry, what you mean?” He asked, faking ignorance. He was in too deep now though, he had to commit to his lie. It was too late to run off and pretend like he hadn’t asked. Not when he had the obnoxiously cool looking bouncer staring him down and seemingly seconds away from laughter. I knew this was going to happen. Why do I let him talk me into this stupid shit? 

“Come on now, I know you aren’t eighteen. You barely look sixteen. You want in right? Sorry but the answer is no. Why don’t you try back in a couple years,” the guy replied, shrugging lightly at Phil. His tone was indifferent but Phil could pick up on the humor in his voice. Phil felt more deflated than he thought possible. He hung his hand some before turning to leave. But before he could leave, something came over him. Quit possibly the growing pains of a backbone. 

“Look, I know I’m not eighteen. But I don’t even want to go to this show, the band isn’t that good and the venue is probably going to smell like piss and beer. But it’s for a friend and we drove an hour to get here. You don’t have to let me in but could you please just let him see the show? I’ve never seen him this excited and it means more to him than anything…please?” Phil asked, his voice holding a certain kind of desperation that made people look twice. 

The guy looked over at the car, spotting Charlie sitting in the passenger seat. It took a long couple of seconds but he finally sighed and gave Phil a skeptical look. “Alright dude, I’ll let him in. But just him. He looks a little older” The guy said before taking a drag off his cigarette. “You’re a martyr huh? Suffering on the behalf of someone else or in the case being a good friend and waiting in the car so he can see the band play,” he laughed and gave Phil another smirk. “Alright, doors open in thirty minutes. Tell him I said to go ahead and get in line,” he mumbled, before waving Phil off. “Just him,” he reminded before he took off.

Phil couldn’t believe it. It had worked. Not exactly like he’d thought it would but it worked nonetheless. He’d gotten Charlie in the doors and that was all that mattered to him. He could wait in the car for a couple hours, it wouldn’t kill him. He jogged back over the passenger door before starting the car back up. If he was going to be waiting in it all night he didn’t want to do it where the bouncer care stare at him in pity.

“It didn’t work,” Charlie stated, his voice dropping. “I guess we could try the back door,” he sighed, already knowing there was probably an alarm that would go off if they tried to push it open.

“No, it worked. I got you in but I can’t go in. You look a little older he said. I don’t think he wants to get in trouble. I get it though. But we need to find a different parking spot,” Phil added as he pulled off. He almost knew Charlie was going to agree. And he wanted him to. They had come this far and somebody should see the band. That and Phil didn’t really care about the punk scene. Giving Charlie what he wanted wasn’t hard. He liked to think of it as a prolonging measure.

“Wait, so you can’t come in with me?” Charlie asked, his voice hesitant and slightly confused. “Phil I…I don’t know if I would feel right about leaving you like that. Yeah I really want to get in but that’s not fair,” he mumbled while Phil found a new spot to park in, one that was away from the doors. He turned off the engine again and gave Charlie a small smile. 

“I know how bad you want to go. I’ll probably get something to eat and just hang out for a while. It’s not a big deal. Besides, I feel like the music is going to be loud enough for me to hear all the way out here,” he laughed, ignoring how his heart sort of hurt. He wanted Charlie to have a good time but there was something painful about being left behind. 

“You promise you’re cool with this, you’re not going to be pissed off at me for leaving you out here in a couple days?” Charlie questioned before giving Phil another look. He already had one foot outside the door though and Phil knew he was going despite whatever was said. Might as well make this easier. It wasn’t a backbone growing it was his self-esteem being eaten away. 

“Yeah go, seriously. Don’t worry. I’ll be out here when the show is over. I’ll get up to something. Just have fun alright,” Phil said, trying to put on a brave face. He thought it would be easier to let Charlie go. It wasn’t meant to hurt that much. It was a sign he’d gotten too close and it was only a taste of what it would be like when Charlie eventually left him for good. 

“I’ll bring you back a souvenir,” the other boy smiled before jumping the rest of the way out, slamming the door, and jogging off to get in line. 

As soon as Charlie was out of sight Phil let his face fall again. Great, he was stuck in a car for at least three hours with nothing to do. Even his friend had ditched him. To be fair though Phil had said he could go. Was it wrong to wish that Charlie had said no? He sighed softly before getting out himself and looking around. He’d never really been to this part of Workingham. He didn’t know where to go or what to do. So he did the least logical thing and set off walking. He’d have to find something to do eventually and getting a coffee somewhere sounded reasonable.

-o-

Thankfully it didn’t take too long to find a coffee stop. Phil didn’t stay long though. The place was too crowded and there was too much happening inside. People on laptops, phones, commotion in every direction. Which for some reason wasn’t what Phil wanted that night. He wanted to drink his coffee alone so he dwell on what a loser he was. “This is why you don’t have any friends,” he mumbled to himself as he walked back out the doors. The only place he could get into was a coffee shop and even then he didn’t want to stay. 

He made his way back his parking spot, thankful for the hot drink warming his hands. Early January wasn’t known for its comforting weather. Honestly Phil hadn’t come dressed for the wind hitting his face or the cold drizzle starting to come down. “Damn it,” he swore and looked up at the sky. “you just have to rub it in don’t you?” Phil frowned, unsure if he was talking to a higher power or the actual sky. 

When he got back to the car he hurried to climb inside and started it up. Just to warm it up for a bit and to play the radio. He wanted something to drown out his thoughts. No, it wouldn’t be a shitty punk band with a guitar rift so loud it would blow your speakers but he’d settle. He wondered if it was awesome inside. He had been to a couple shows but not enough to call himself a fan of anything. It would be sweaty and gross, there would be a mosh pit inside and some vocalist would be screaming supposed words into a mic. Right then Phil thought that sounded kind of awesome. 

Phil wasn’t meant to be getting lost in his thoughts but it had happened again. He was musing over why he managed to have the worst friends around when the sharp knocking at his window startled him. He jumped, nearly spilling his coffee as he looked over. His heart was racing, expecting to see some kind of murderer. It was worse. Instead it was the brown haired too cool bouncer motioning for him to roll his window down. “You scared the shit out of me!” Phil exclaimed, rolling the window down and giving the other guy a bewildered look. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Hey, sorry. My shift ended and I noticed you out here. I can’t believe he actually went without you. That’s kind of fucked up,” he stated, his lips pursed into a line. “But it was sort of shitty on my part too,” he admitted as he leaned up against the car. His hair was wet from the rain and he looked fairly cold. Phil was curious though, how it was the bouncer’s fault? Charlie was the one who’d went in without him. 

“What do you mean?” Phil asked turning down the volume on the radio. “I didn’t want to go in anyway, I told you that.” 

“Yeah but it was a ploy…sort of,” he the guy explained. “Kids come here all the time trying to get in.” His voice was somewhat sheepish now and hinting at guilt. “I usually tell them that only a few can get in. It’s tactical because good friends aren’t going to leave anyone behind. Usually they just end up going home when they find out that they all can’t go in. I’ve never had it not work before. I told you a martyr never wins.” 

“You never told me that,” Phil said giving the guy an annoyed look. “It doesn’t matter. I’m the one with shitty friends right, not your fault,” he sighed and slumped further down into his seat. It was like saying nice guys never won. If only he wasn’t such a push over all the time. Then maybe he wouldn’t be the one sitting everything out. 

“I’m Dan Howell and I’m telling you that martyrs get nothing,” he finally said after a slight pause, sticking his hand in through Phil’s window to shake. Phil moved slowly, shaking the other’s hand in return. It was wet and cold and larger than his. He should have minded it more than he actually did. “I hate to ask but do you think I could sit in your car and smoke this cigarette, it’s freezing out here.” 

Part of Phil wondered if it was really a good idea to unlock his car door for some stranger. He already the window rolled down though. If this guy wanted to steal his car, kidnap him, or murder him he probably would have done it already. So he rolled the window back up and clicked the lock, letting Dan know he could climb into the passenger seat. 

As soon as the door was open Dan was sliding in next to him and rubbing his hands together to fight off the cold in his fingertips. “Your friend is a dick but I guess that’s none of my business it?” he laughed but there was no humor to it. “If I had known he’d pull something that I would have told you both no. Why did he want to come to this show anyway, it’s not very good, you know?” 

Phil shrugged, watching as Dan lit up his smoke. He didn’t exactly like the smell but there was something about Dan that wouldn’t let Phil tell him no. “This is officially the saddest thing I’ve never seen. You’re meant to be at a punk rock show and instead your sitting out in your car drinking an overpriced coffee and listening to pop,” Dan mumbled glancing at the radio before offering Phil a cigarette from his pack. 

“Oh, no thank you,” Phil said and tried to ignore the heat in his face. If smoking was cool, which Dan kind of made it look, Phil wasn’t cool and there for didn’t smoke. “No offence but you’re not really helping,” he admitted. Dan gave him an apologetic look in return, rolling down his window some for the sake of Phil’s lungs. 

“I know. I’m not actually good at helping. But word of advice, any friend who ditched me for the rock show wouldn’t be my friend after that,” Dan replied. Phil knew he’d keep being Charlie’s friend after tonight though. He’d take him home and they would pretend like Phil didn’t have any feelings and if he did they damn sure weren’t hurt feelings. That was what friends were for right? “So what’s your plan?” Dan asked before taking another drag. 

“Uh, I don’t really have a plan. Drink coffee and sit here until he comes back?” He offered and wondered if that was what Dan wanted to hear. By the look on his face it wasn’t. In fact it looked like the exact opposite of what he wanted. 

“No, you can’t do that. You’ve got at least three hours before that shit is wrapped up in there.  
four it they do an encore. Think of something else,” he said, waiting for Phil to give him the right answer. 

“I’m not from around here, I mean I’ve been here but I don’t know anywhere to go and I don’t have any friends that live close by. I’m kind of stuck until it’s over,” Phil admitted before taking a sip of his coffee to hide how pathetic he truly was. 

“Well I’m heading to a party after this. Do you want to come? Promise I won’t ditch you,” Dan grinned. “You can leave after a couple hours and get your friend if you want. Or you know…just leave him.” Dan was clearly being serious about leaving Charlie behind. Phil wouldn’t do that but he really didn’t want to wait in the car for hours. Why not keeping doing the least logical thing? 

 

“Yeah, that actually sounds like the better alternative,” Phil agreed, turning the car key again. Dan tossed his cigarette out. He didn’t bother to buckle up as he started throwing the directions out to Phil. This was turning into a strange night. Dan was bright though and alive and Phil would do anything to be like that. 

It was how Phil found himself sitting on the sofa in a crowded living room with Dan Howell. The music wasn’t that bad but Phil had no idea who it was. It was real punk though, not that cheap knock off version Charlie seemed to like. People were drinking, Dan included. Knowing that Phil was driving he didn’t offer him any but it didn’t stop him from swinging an arm around his shoulder and laughing loudly. “Yeah he’s not bad huh? For a sixteen-year-old,” Dan grinned teasingly, somebody had commented on Phil’s presence and the other was quick to acknowledge him. 

“How old are you?” Phil asked suddenly, ducking as a beer pong ball went flying across the room. “I know you’re old enough to work at a club,” Phil added but he was wondering just how much older Dan was.

“I’ll be twenty in a few months,” Dan said absent mindedly. He was already lighting up another cigarette. Phil wondered how many a person could smoke in such a short amount of time. “Which makes you jail bait by default and I’m not going back to jail for nobody,” Dan said with a smile and a wink. 

It must have been the way that Phil’s face paled and his eyes went wide that started Dan’s laughing. “I’m kidding; I’ve never been to jail. Don’t look so scared,” Dan smirked and proceeded to take another swig of his beer. “You should really get more into the music scene though and I don’t mean that shit show your friend is at. There is a lot of good underground music around here. I could show you real music if you’re ever interested.” 

On any other day Phil wouldn’t be. He’s just not that into music. He doesn’t know all the good bands and to be honest he’s not punk enough or cool enough to be there. He’s just some sixteen-year-old who got ditched and Dan is some apparent bad boy who took pity on him. He wouldn’t be surprised if the older boy took back the offer in the morning. He wouldn’t blame him if he did. A kid like Phil could really ruin somebody’s reputation. Dan’s look at him so expectantly though. Like he’s already put Phil on a pedestal that he doesn’t belong on. He can’t say no. 

Dan takes Phil’s phone and programs his number into it. Then he put Phil’s number into his and promises to send him a text tomorrow. Don’t get your hopes up, don’t be disappointed. It’ll hurt less this way. Dan’s attractive, cool, a chain smoker, and he knows music. Everything Phil isn’t. He can’t be disappointed when he never texts him back. 

It doesn’t take long for three hours to pass and Phil knows he needs to be going. 

Him and Dan have talked all night. Dan going on about music and life in a bigger city while Phil listens intently. He’d do anything to be like Dan. Too bad it wasn’t ever going to happen. “I guess I have to be going” Phil said a little sadly. He really doesn’t want to go, he’d rather stay with Dan and listen to him talk about everything. Phil’s a good friend though and good friends show up. Dan asked him if he knew the way back, gave him a few albums to check out, and then tells him to be safe on the drive home. He never mentions texting Phil again. But that’s alright, it didn’t matter. 

“So, they aren’t that good live,” Charlie said when he got back in the car. His tone is unreadable but Phil decides that if he’s half a decent person he’s feeling bad. “I promise I’ll make this up to you alright?” He said, really turning to Phil and giving him sad eyes. “I didn’t have any fun without you.” 

Phil can’t help think about how he still stayed for the whole show. Fun or not. The thing was, was that he couldn’t be all that angry. Not when he’d just had probably the best night of his life. It was his first house party and his first time actually having somebody older and hotter talking to him. And surprisingly he didn’t have a problem with letting his friend feel bad for a while. 

Charlie was high off noise. Phil was high off energy and Dan. He was exhilarated and out of the two of them, he had the better time. “Hey, no problem alright. Glad you had fun,” he answers back. For now, Dan would be his secret. 

“Did you smoke a cigarette in here?” Charlie asked, wrinkling his nose up as they started home. 

-o-

When he gets home in the morning, his brother is running out to meet him. He doesn’t even say hello before he starts inspecting the car. Everything was intact and he brought it home with half a tank, which was more than what was in it when they left. Next Martyn is crawling around and looking for some kind of evidence that Phil fucked up. When he finds none, he takes the keys back and mumbles a halfhearted, “Alright thanks, hope you had fun.” 

The first thing Phil did was fall into bed. He hadn’t been able to sleep over at Charlies house, both of them too busy riding their energy off. It felt like he’d only fallen asleep for a few minutes when his phone buzzed in his pocket. When he forced his eyes back open he realized he had only fallen asleep for a couple minutes. He squinted his eyes, narrowing them at his phone. 

Instantly his heart skipped a beat when he looked at the caller id. Dan had actually sent him a message like he said he would. For once in his life somebody was following through with a promise. He blinked again, making sure it was actually him. 

Dan: Hey. Did you check out the music? 

Phil would have liked to say he did but he’d only just gotten home. He hadn’t been up for listening last night. He scratched the back of his head, sitting up and reading it over and over again. It was a simple six-word text but Phil was in slight awe. He wondered if he should wait a couple minutes to reply. Excitement and sleep deprivation got the best of him though.

Phil: Not yet but I’m going today after a power nap

It wasn’t a full minute later that his phone is going off. At first Phil thought it was a fluke but looking down he sees it’s Dan’s number. Without having to think about it, he answered and mumbled a shy ‘hello’ into the receiver. 

“Hey, sorry I guess it sort of early isn’t it. I never sleep so I’m always up. Anyway listen I wanted to tell about the music I suggested,” Dan said, pausing, followed by the sound of something crunchy being chewed. “You’re not going to like it at first. In fact you’re going to hate it. I forgot to mention that, sorry.” 

Phil’s never felt so confused. Dan told him to check this music out then he called up just to tell him that he was going to hate it? He couldn’t follow the train of thought. “I um…should I not listen?” He asked, wondering if this was his way of taking it all back. He’d take back the evening they shared and the music he’d told Phil to listen to. 

“No, no, no. You have to listen to it. But you have to stick with it too. You’re not going to like it right off the bat but if you just listen you’ll get it. Don’t focus on making yourself like it, just listen to it and try to understand,” Dan explained as his chewing continued. Phil decided that Dan is strange. 

“Oh, I’ll try. Is there something specific I’m looking for?” He asked as he tilted his head to the side.

“Nope, just listen and tell me what you think. Also, I’m going to be in town in a few days, like in your town. My parents don’t live too far from you. You live in Reading right? I thought if you weren’t busy we could do something. I’m sure there is some kind of mayhem we can get up to.”

“Uh yeah sure, no that sounds great,” Phil exclaimed before wincing when he realized he’d agreed to causing public mayhem with Dan. He couldn’t help it though, Dan made him want to be reckless. To do things he’d never allowed himself to do before. 

“Good, alright. Call me back when you’ve listened. Remember, don’t try to like it, don’t turn it off if you hate it. Just listen to it.” 

They hang up and he’s not exactly sure if he understood what Dan meant. He won’t like it but he has to understand it? Would the beat be too rough and frantic? Would the lyrics make no sense? How as he meant to understand? His biggest fear was that this was a trap he could fall into. A test that he couldn’t possibly pass. Dan was good with music and Phil just wasn’t. He listened to what the radio told him to and that was about as far it went. 

What Dan had told him to listen to wasn’t easy stuff like the pop punk they sometimes played on the radio. The music that wasn’t pop and it wasn’t rock, which meant they threw it into a category all by itself. Teeny bopper meets punk.

No, this was actual true punk. It was what inspired all those poppy bands. Nobody listened though so they had to change it up. They had to play what radio wanted everyone to hear. Or at least that’s what Dan had went on about last night. He talked about guys Phil had never heard of. Vicious and Rollins. Phil didn’t know half of what Dan was talking about but he agreed anyway. 

First he slept, then he showered and ate, finally he sat down to listen. Dan was right, he did kind of hate it. Okay, so kind of was an understatement. He couldn’t even understand the words let alone the meaning behind them. He compared the drums to noisy bashing and the screeching of vocals. The guitar was the worst, fast and…nothing sounded good. He closed his eyes and fought through his desire to fling his headphones across the room. God how could anybody listen to that stuff?

He only managed to get through a few songs before he gave up for a while. He could at least inform Dan of the ones he did listen to. Maybe that would be enough to pass his test. But he didn’t get much of it still. Fuck Dan Howell’s music because honestly that shit was bad. He knew enough to know that much. 

Phil: Hey, checked out some of the music. It was pretty good. I think I need to listen a bit longer to really comprehend it. Thanks for showing me though.

Phil was a liar.

He typed it out, deleted it, and then typed it again. It would have to do; he didn’t know what else to say. Phil sighed in frustration before grabbing a pillow and trying to smother himself with it. One thing he learned about Dan was that he didn’t mess around when it came to texting back. 

Dan: You’re bad at lying, you hated it. It felt like your virgin ears were getting fucked for the first time. It went in dry with no lube. 

Phil’s mouth sort of fell open when he read the message. Well, yeah okay. That was one way to describe it. Dan wasn’t wrong. Phil probably would have gone for a different kind of wording but alright. Fair enough. Again he felt himself lost for words. Dan was an enigma that he couldn’t figure out.

Dan: Just keep listening, you’ll get there. They call it an acquired taste for a reason. Anyway I’ll talk to you later. I’ve got underage kids trying to sneak in. 

Phil couldn’t help but laugh before setting his phone down. He was glad that he wouldn’t have to elaborate more on the music. Part of him hoped that Dan didn’t find a new pathetic boy to give his attention to. He hadn’t even known him for a full twenty-four hours and already he wanted everything Dan was willing to give him. That was the pathetic part. He could out loser any kid out there.

Phil: Give em hell 

He replied before actually putting his phone up and getting to work on his homework. He didn’t know what all this Dan Howell business was about but he hoped that it was going to last. 

-o-

“You want to do something later?” Charlie asked as they walk down the hall. “it’s Friday and I’m still sort of pumped from that concert,” he said, his voice full of excitement. 

“That was literally a week ago, you can’t still be feeling pumped,” Phil mumbled with a roll of his eyes. “I would but…well I’ve got some things I’m going to do,” he lied, stumbling over his words some. He didn’t exactly want to let the other in on his secret. Dan. 

“Okay, you know you can’t lie for shit. Especially not when I’m looking right at you. Is it a date?” Charlie asked as he paused in front of him so there wasn’t anywhere for Phil to go. Was it a date? God no, Dan would never look at him like that. Even if he was gay Phil wasn’t cool enough or old enough. 

“It’s not a date. It’s just some guy,” To be fair he liked girls too. Well sometimes and only once in a while. Charlie had never seemed to mind. But he usually asked for as many details as Phil was willing to give him. Dan felt like a secret though. Something refreshing and urban. He was like looking at the city lights for the first time. He didn’t want anyone else in on his holy grail. 

However, he didn’t seem to have an option. Because once Charlie got ahold of an idea he wouldn’t let it go. “Do you remember the bouncer at the club last weekend. Well um…we hung out and we’re going to eat and probably catch a movie or something.” 

In reality, Phil knows good and well what they’re going to do. It’s not dinner and a movie. It’s going to another punk show. He knew that he couldn’t let Charlie in on that because he wasn’t going to have him begging to tag along. He’d argue that Phil didn’t even like music and that he just had to take Charlie with them and that wasn’t going to happen. Not this time. 

“Dude seriously? You’re hooking up with the bouncer, what the hell happened after I left?” He asked, giving the other a look that clearly said, ‘the fuck?’ “You know forgetting to tell your friend about your new boyfriend isn’t something you usually do,” Charlie frowned. He did seem somewhat genuinely upset that Phil hadn’t informed him.

“And ditching your friend for the band isn’t something you do but that didn’t stop you,” he snapped and side stepped the other in an attempt to get to class. Yeah, he was still pissed off about that fact and he wasn’t afraid to let Charlie know this time. He’d done exactly what he told Charlie he wouldn’t do. 

The other boy opened his mouth like he wanted to argue and Phil could see the gears turning in his head. He was trying to come up with a decent come back but when one didn’t hit he shut his mouth. 

“He’s not my boyfriend, he’s cooler than I could ever dream of being and we’re just hanging out. Alright?” Phil mumbled coolly.

“Yeah sure, whatever,” Charlie sighed as they continued to walk. They weren’t fighting but they weren’t having a decent conversation either. “Well if bouncer boy bails call me up and we’ll do something,” Charlie added quietly. It was a truce, a peace offering if you would. But the thing was…Dan didn’t have a long history of bailing on him. Charlie did. So whatever happened he wouldn’t be calling the other. He wasn’t mad or anything, he could just think of better things to do with his time was all. 

And it turned out that Dan didn’t bail on him. He texted him at eight sharp and let Phil know that he was outside. Of course he had to lie to his parents again. He wasn’t going to a party with Charlie and his parents weren’t dropping them off. He hadn’t given his friend a heads up on the lie but he if anything happened Charlie wouldn’t snitch. Not when he still had some serious making up to do. 

 

“Hey,” Phil smiled when he climbed into the passenger seat. Dan grinned back, a cigarette between his fingers. God he was going to get lung cancer before he was thirty-five. Phil didn’t say anything though. Instead he was too busy admiring Dan. Same black ripped black jeans matched with black shirt and a jacket. He briefly wondered if owned any other colors. It wouldn’t matter though because it was all too fitting. “Thanks for picking me up. I didn’t think my brother was up for letting me take his car again.” 

“Hey it’s no problem,” Dan answered back as he pulled out of the drive. “So I know this show isn’t exactly pure punk but you have to work yourself into that you know? I noticed the band was coming and I had to take you. It’s perfect for beginners and virgin ears,” he laughed, flicking his cigarette out the window. “I promise it’ll be fun.” 

“I’m not worried, I’m just excited about getting in to a decent show for once,” Phil said, buckling his seat belt. Dan had music on but it was too soft to hear properly. Instead they filled the car with their conversation. Phil talked a bit about school and Dan talked about knowing the bouncer at the club. It was how he was getting him in. Apparently the show had already started but Dan didn’t like showing up early. Something about having to stand around forever while they do their last sound check. 

It was a place called the Red Door and it was ironic because the door wasn’t even red. It was just brown and ordinary. Nothing special whatsoever. Phil wondered if that too meant something in the music world. Or if it had been red at one point and years of weather and chaotic kids had worn the paint thin. He didn’t bother to ask because Dan had grabbed his hand and was pulling him along. 

They stopped so that he could to talk to the bouncer. It was clear they had known each other for a while. Phil tried to ignore his jealously when Dan pulled the guy into a side hug, letting go of his hand for a split second. A few minutes later and he was finally telling them to enjoy the show and holding the door open for them in the process. 

The second they walked in Phil was hit with the heat of a crowded floor. It was body heat. The sensation of atoms moving constantly, energy being created from every person in the room. All it took was one look at Dan to know this was what he lived for. His eyes were brown but they twinkled like city lights. Just as bright and clear. Already he was nodding his hand and pulling Phil further into the crowed room. 

For a minute the younger boy hesitated unsure if this was what he really wanted. The music was so loud that you had to yell to hear anything. It wasn’t just that though it was the bass. He could feel it in his chest and that was sort of off putting. He was a bit frightened to be honest. He’d never been to a show where he wasn’t up against the wall listening from afar. 

“It’s okay I’ve got your hand. I won’t let you get lost!” Dan yelled over the music, giving Phil an encouraging look. He was trying to pull him into the chaos with a smile on his face and once again Phil let him. He didn’t want to be afraid as he let Dan pull him into the mass of people. But this wasn’t Phil’s courage this was Dan’s and Phil was borrowing some because he frankly didn’t have any of his own. -

It was mainly just shoving to get to where you wanted to be. You didn’t say excuse me or sorry because even if you did nobody could hear it. Phil kept trying to apologize for everyone he was pushing past but nobody seemed to care. Their eyes were glued to the front of the stage where a band of four was playing. A singer, drummer, bass, and lead guitar. Not that hard to follow really. And Dan was right, the music wasn’t the angry stuff he’d tried to listen to. It had a chorus and a melody and pop undertones which was a relief. 

It might have had the upbeat notes but there was still a mosh pit that Dan was thankfully avoiding. Phil had never actually seen one before and it was a bit more than what he’d bargained for. It was a ring, a circle, and inside of it were the bravest of warriors. They were Rock crusaders and they were bloodied and bruised from the battle. They jumped and thrashed against each other, while the people on the outside of the ring pushed them back into the pit when they were thrown too close to edge. Dan was looking at it though and Phil knew he was just dying to be there. To be one of those wild and untamed kids. It must have killed him to pull Phil further towards the stage and away from the pit.

He’d have to thank the other boy later when he could actually be heard again. It didn’t stop the motion though. Because all around him people were jumping, moving and pushing. He had to hold onto Dan to keep himself up right. But Dan was quickly turning into one of those people. His head nodding to the beat, his body starting to bounce. It wasn’t until he looked over at Phil that he stopped. He pulled him closer and his mouth pressed hotly up against his ear. Phil shuddered, feeling himself melt as Dan’s lips were searing against such sensitive skin. “Let yourself have fun, I know you can do it. Don’t think just feel it!” He said before backing up and grabbing Phil’s hand again. 

Phil tried to do what Dan said. He wanted to feel instead of think. For a minute it actually worked, he could feel himself to start to bounce lightly in time with the rhythm. He didn’t mind the movement of the crowed anymore. Everyone had come together to make one living breathing floor. It was sort of beautiful in a way. He’d never thought he’d call a bunch of sweaty people beautiful but that was the only way he knew how to describe it. 

It wasn’t until he looked over at Dan did his breathing stop. He felt punch drunk looking at the older boy. He wasn’t just beautiful but he was stunning. His hair was getting wet form his own sweat and his bangs were sticking to his face. His skin had a thin sheen of sweat glossing it as well. He jumped along with the crowed as he sang the lyrics right along with them. Phil wanted to cry because God damn he looked good. He looked alive, free, like if you could manifest a riot into one person. He couldn’t swallow the lump in his throat as he watched. The blue and purple lights illuminated him in a way that Phil had never seen before. What the fuck was Dan doing here with him? Phil would truly fit into Dan’s world and it hurt more then he wanted to admit. But staring at Dan was a gift, seeing him like this was like something holy.

That probably sounded dramatic but it was how Phil felt. Eventually he forced himself to look away and to bounce along with Dan. He wasn’t the same, he couldn’t compare to Dan but he was giving it his all. Eventually he let Dan go to mosh for a bit, promising not to move from his spot. Even that was beautiful. He could see it now. Phil understood what the hype was all about it. Yeah, you did feel alive. It was an adrenalin rush. Like cocaine, a drug with no antidote. He couldn’t say he’d ever done any drugs but this had to be better than all of them combined. 

 

After the show they both left feeling worn but like live wires. He still had too much energy flowing inside of him to fully relax. So when Dan suggested showing him his favorite place to ‘come down’ he was somewhat relieved. He thought they’d go to a park or some small restaurant in the middle of town. But when Dan drove them to the airport he realized he’d never stop surprising him. He didn’t need to ask because he knew Dan was going to explain in due time. 

“I see your getting better at trusting me,” Dan smirked before dropping his cigarette and snuffing it out with the toe of his shoe. Dan was once again grabbing Phil’s hand and pulling him towards the terminal entrance. 

Phil laughed before rolling his eyes. “Something like that, I just know that you’re going to fill me on why you like to come here,” he replied. He legs felt like jelly and his throat hurt from yelling, and his ears rung unpleasantly. He hardly noticed it though, not when he was with Dan. 

They rode the escalator down to the moving sidewalk. The parking garage had taken them straight inside the airport. Something that Phil was thankful for. “So, the first thing I like about the airport is that you can just stand on the sidewalk and not have to move. Let’s be honest, we’re both tired as fuck so this is a bonus,” Dan said informatively. “Next thing I like is that nobody is here. It’s almost one in the morning and there are maybe two or three flights going out and coming in until six. So it’s easy to start winding down.” 

Phil nodded and listened carefully as Dan went over the key points. The last time he’d been to the airport was three years ago when his family went on holiday. It was strange. You never thought about the airport unless you were going somewhere. As far as he knew neither of them had any tickets. “Do you really come here that often?” Phil asked, his eyes flickering down to their hands. It was starting to feel like a date. Dan hadn’t let go of his hand the whole night. 

“probably twice a week. Sometimes more depending on how many shows I go to. Or if I’ve had a really bad day I come here and think,” Dan admitted as they got closer to the actual terminals. That space right before you get to the boarding gates. There were a few people there still waiting for their night flight or maybe some on a connecting flight. Other than that it was almost empty. 

There was the baggage claim, the front desks with only one person still working it, and a whole bunch of empty chairs. The tiny shops had closed down for the night and the lights had been dimmed. It felt strange to be there when Phil thought about it. The atmosphere was completely different from the show they had just come from. There were no loud sounds, no large crowds and hot lights, it was relatively empty. If the Red Door was cocaine than the airport was a sleeping pill. 

“What do you notice?” Dan asked suddenly out of nowhere. He pulled them over to a chair, letting Phil sit before asking again. “What stands out the most?” 

Dan was what stood out the most. His hair was still a mess, his clothes wrinkled, and he was covered with a few new bruises. He still looked good though. He knew that wasn’t the answer, however. “Uh, there aren’t a lot of people here,” Phil said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“Airports are a place of hellos and goodbyes; they are where everyone meets in transit. You’re either coming or going, there isn’t much in between. They aren’t places you just go to. Everyone that comes here is going somewhere or coming back from somewhere. We aren’t doing either, we’re simply existing. Airports are earth’s limbo and we’re just here. That’s why it helps me calm down so much. I’m not thinking, I’m in only in a state of being,” Dan explained before closing his eyes like he was trying to demonstrate. 

Phil tilted his head, staring at Dan in a mixture of awe and confusion. His mouth was slack again but no words came out. It was Dan’s turn to look unsure and nervous. Did Phil think he was crazy for having this odd mindset? He kind of was. 

“You’re so different, Dan,” Phil stated. “You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met before.” He wanted so badly to ask him why he was wasting his time with a loser kid like himself. There were so many interesting people out there that would be better company. They would know all the songs Dan loved and they would quote the lyrics, they would even look as good as Dan did in purple and blue lighting, but Phil never could

“Can I kiss you?” Dan asked. His voice so low that Phil had to strain to hear him. There was an armrest between them but Dan was already leaning in. Wordlessly Phil nodded in agreement. His heart racing and his stomach was flipping over and over. They meet somewhere in the middle, pausing only to stare into the other’s eyes for a split second. They held their gaze for a bit before their lips connected in the most amazing kiss either had ever had. 

-o-

Phil stayed over at Dan’s apartment an hour away that night. He didn’t know what he thought he’d get when he walked into the place. It was exactly what he wanted it to be though. There were things scattered everywhere. Posters of shows he’d been to and bands he liked. Books, movies, and games were strewn around. Phil was instantly taken by it. This apartment was the embodiment of Dan. “Sorry it’s a disaster,” Dan laughed as he stripped out of his jeans. 

 

“It’s you,” Phil joked before taking a seat on the edge of Dan’s bed. He was just as nervous as the minute he had first laid eyes on the older. Was this how Dan’s dates usually ended? If you kiss somebody does that make it a for sure date? Does it mean you’re going to have sex? Phil wasn’t even sure if he wanted that. Yeah he was incredibly attracted to Dan but he couldn’t even tell if it had been a proper date or not. 

It turned out there was no reason to be worried. Dan grabbed them some left over pizza, heating it up before telling Phil to get comfortable. They put on a movie, ate, and slept in their boxers and filthy shirts. It was the perfect ending to the best night Phil had ever had. Dan hadn’t asked for more, hadn’t implied that he wanted sex or anything of that nature. Instead they cuddled, got full, and fell asleep. Dan had even promised Phil that they would wake up early so that he could be home in the morning before his parents asked any questions. 

The dates Phil had been on had ended quickly, there was hardly ever a good night kiss or anything more at the end. Which was probably for the better if he was honest. He was all awkward limbs and clumsy lips but kissing Dan was easy. For some reason it felt like he’d done it a hundred times before. 

-o-

Months passed like this. Phil would find any way he could to spend time with Dan. Sometimes he’d lie to his parents about where and who he was going out with. They just assumed Charlie’s parents had started driving a new, but somehow shitty, car. It was hard not to make assumptions when Dan was always pulling into the driveway. Other times he snuck out, waiting until everyone was asleep before climbing out of his bedroom window and finding his way back to Dan. 

It wasn’t like his parents were going to let him hang out with Dan. Not when he was nearly five years older than Phil and constantly smelt like smoke. The lies were all justified and if they weren’t Phil could make them. He could wind the words and twist them until it made everything okay. Pretty but still lies nonetheless. 

He couldn’t bring himself to care though. Because Dan would take him to the local shows and he’d show him the very best places to eat. They would listen to music and talk until they both ended up falling asleep. They talked when they were pressed together in Dan’s double bed. Or sometimes they would sit outside his apartment, ignoring the cold metal stairs so Dan could smoke a cigarette. It didn’t matter where they ended up because their tongues were always working overtime. 

Phil was learning more than he thought he would about Dan. He never seemed closed off, he was always happy and bright. Excitable was the word he wanted. Phil wondered if he was riding on a constant high of music and life. Phil was still sort of shy. Especially when Dan would stare intently at him when he talked. He would look Phil right in the eyes, lean in close, and listen like he was about to hear some big scandalous secret. When in reality all he was doing was telling Dan about his day. Phil hadn’t known there was a difference between hearing and listening until he met Dan Howell.

While him and Dan grew closer, he grew further apart with Charlie. Charlie liked to say that Dan made everybody look like sellouts and conformist. Phil wasn’t exactly sure what that was meant to mean but he had a feeling it had something to do with the music. Or at the very least it wasn’t a compliment. 

The music was still something Phil couldn’t exactly get into. He was trying but it was hard when it all sounded so angry and pounding. Dan told him to just stay with it. So Phil tried at least. Most of the time though Dan knew he was still working his way into it. So he’d play lighter stuff, things with power chords and melodies. 

Phil still thought Dan was the most interesting person he knew. Apparently so did everyone else, Dan seemed to know a lot of people. You’d think he was a celebrity with as many connections as he had. 

They hardly went anywhere without seeing somebody he knew. It didn’t bother Phil, not when he would hold his hand and politely introduce him to whoever they had ran into. He was eloquent and well-spoken for somebody who seemed to spend most of his time causing mayhem. He was a gentlemen and a delinquent all in one. 

The thoughts are coming back though. The voice in his head getting louder and louder. In Phil’s life people tended to leave. He understood this perfectly. Because nobody is forever, friendships die, relationships die, and people fuck off. You can’t change this fact. People are flames. They will burn brightly but they will eventually flicker and fade before going out like all flames do.

Even if they have been burning for years there will come a day when the light goes out. People are not forever. And Phil was okay with that. 

These were just rules to live by. To remember and hold onto to. Phil cannot let himself forget that. Dan will be around until he isn’t and all this investment Phil’s starting to put in is only going to hurt him in the long run. Don’t get your hopes and don’t be disappointed. He can’t seem to stop himself though. He doesn’t want to love Dan because he’s afraid of being hurt but sadly part of him always does.

That’s another fact of life. Pain will be there no matter what you do. Unless of course you can find some kind of enlightenment. He read a book once where the character gives up everything. No possessions, no relationships, food only to live. That sort of thing. He did this so that he could never hurt. People typically hurt because something is taken away from them, so if you have nothing to lose nobody can hurt you. But enlightenment is kind of overrated and Phil’s not interested. 

-o-

Everything stayed the same for a while, until everything changed again. Dan had told Phil he would be house sitting for his parents for a couple days while they were visiting his grandmother. Phil knew the older boy would invite him over at some point. He just didn’t think it would be on a Thursday at midnight. 

Dan: Come hang? At my parents. 

Phil had been laying down while trying to fall asleep when his phone buzzed next to him. Usually Dan texted in full sentences, explaining himself and he was never afraid to give Phil a full couple of paragraphs he thought the conversation called for it. For him to say no more than five words was unusual. He narrowed his eyes at the phone before replying. 

Phil: Right now? What are you up to, I can try to sneak out if you want. 

He replied before sitting up. Sometimes he just knew when trying to sleep wasn’t worth it, not when Dan was involved anyway. He hoped he was alright though. 

Dan: Can’t drive. Take your brother’s car. 

Phil gawked at the screen. Was Dan high? He wasn’t going to touch his brother’s car without permission. Martyn would kill him and Phil very much wanted to live. He’d been over to Dan’s parent’s house a couple times. He imagined he could walk if it was that important. Still he wanted to know why he was going over there on a school night. 

Phil: I can walk over. You alright, why can’t you drive? 

It only took a few seconds for Dan to text him back a reply. Phil was already up though, getting his shoes on and pulling a hoodie over his head. When did sleeping at night become so unpopular?

Dan: Drinking. I’m lonely 

It only got more confusing. Dan usually didn’t drink alone and if he did he certainly didn’t ask Phil to come over to watch him do it. He knew the younger boy really shouldn’t drink. And to be fair Dan had never offered him more than a beer. 

Phil: Give me about thirty minutes, I’ll see you in a bit. 

He hoped Dan appreciated this. It was cold outside and he’d be grounded forever if his parents caught him. That and it was still a school night. He couldn’t stay out all night. But that wasn’t something he could tell Dan. Not when the age difference was painfully obvious sometimes. The last thing he wanted to do was draw any more attention to it. 

“Hey, you made it,” Dan grinned as he opened the door. Instantly Phil could tell that he’d had one too many. His hair was a wreck and his face was slightly flushed. “Come on inside, I know you’re cold.” It was true. Phil was freezing actually. But Dan’s hands were still warm even if he smelt like alcohol. He wasn’t necessarily against Dan drinking, he was old enough and it was fine. But he really didn’t need to get out of bed to hang out with Dan if he wouldn’t recall it in the morning. 

“You alright?” He asked softly as he shut the door behind him. Again there was music playing in the background somewhere but it wasn’t what Dan liked to listened to. It was poppy and what Dan called ‘bubble gum shit,’ it was actually what he usually put on for Phil. The text messages were the first thing that gave him away, next was the music. One more clue and he’d have Dan Howell figured out. 

“Eh, I’m alright, just drinking. I didn’t want to be alone,” Dan laughed again as he moved to flop down onto the sofa before motioning for Phil to join him. “I know I made you get out of bed, sorry,” he added after he pulled his legs up onto the sofa with him. “You want something to drink? I’ve already finished all the vodka but I’ve still got beer left.”

Phil quickly shook his head. There was secret part of him that wondered what this was about. Was this Dan’s way of trying to get him into bed? Get drunk, send vague texts, and then ask for sex? It didn’t sound like Dan but there was still a lot about the older boy he didn’t know. “No thanks I’m alright. You’re sure nothing’s wrong?” Phil asked again, looking into Dan’s distant eyes and before glancing over at the table. There was a small orange prescription bottle sitting innocently on it. “What are those?” 

“Huh, oh those? Pills, I took them all already,” Dan shrugged. “Yeah, everything is pretty good now. Because you’re here,” Dan smiled. He smiled at Phil like he hadn’t just said what he did. The younger boy’s eyes widened in shock. Phil jumped off the sofa and rushed to grab the bottle, shaking it up and down. Sure enough it was empty.

“What the fuck Dan?! How many were in here? How much did you take, do I need to call an ambulance?!” Phil asked frantically as he tried to read what kind of pills Dan had just downed. They were prescribed to him so he couldn’t have bought them. He’d gotten them legally but things couldn’t be alright if he’d taken a bunch. “What is…what is Atavan?” he asked as he turned the bottle over a couple more times, hands shaking. 

“I didn’t take them all. There wasn’t even half left,” Dan frowned, rolling his eyes at Phil. Like he was overacting. “Calm down. It was probably only like six. You know, not enough to be considered a real suicide attempt but enough to be categorized as a cry for help,” Dan grinned before he let himself stumble to his feet. “It’s for anxiety. I’ll get a refill in a couple of days. Help me find my car keys, I’m out of cigarettes.”

What the hell was going on? It was like he’d just stepped into some dark wonderland. What was Dan talking about? He couldn’t be serious right? He was just drunk or he was kidding. Please let him by kidding. There was no way he’d take six pills. No, it wasn’t enough to kill him. Not based on weight and height but it was enough to make him sick. He’d mixed it with alcohol as well. That was even worse. “You can’t drive, what the hell is wrong with you?” 

“Actually I have a license that says I can drive. You can call my mum, she taught me,” he smirked like he was proud of himself. His words were slurred some and Phil wondered how long ago he’d taken the pills. 

“Dan you’re fucking drunk. Why didn’t you tell me you were on medication…why the fuck did you take six pills?! What’s wrong with you? Are you trying to get yourself killed?!” Phil yelled, letting the empty bottle fall from his hand. The silence that hung thickly in the air told him everything he needed to know.

“Sometimes I wish was dead,” Dan mumbled softly, letting himself drop back to the sofa. “Do you ever just want to die?” He asked as he looked back at Phil There was sadness there he’d never seen before. Dan’s eyes had always sparkled. Now they looked glossy and far away. “I’m fucked,” he laughed before shaking his head. “I hate my life. You’re the only good part about it.” 

Phil didn’t know what to do or what to say. Slowly he took a seat next to Dan on the sofa. He was still debating on calling for an ambulance or calling somebody at least. Somebody who would know what to do. Because Phil had never seen this side of Dan before and it was scary.

“Why would you say that? You have a good life. People love you. You’ve got your music and your apartment. You’ve got more friends than anyone I know. How is it bad?” 

Dan just stared back at Phil, quietly and almost like he hadn’t heard him at all. “There is this awful thing inside of me. Like…it makes me scared and it makes me sad and I can’t run from it. It’s who I am and I hate it. It’s so dark and lonely on the inside. But then you make it better. You make whatever this bad thing inside of me is go away for a while. I just want you with me all the time,” Dan whispered, his eyes starting to get damp with the tears he was fighting back. “Don’t leave me okay, don’t ever go away. When you find out how ugly I am on the inside, please don’t leave.” 

Phil continued to stare blankly and unsure. What could he say to that? Phil wasn’t the person who left people, people left Phil. Was Dan asking Phil to save him and to make everything okay because he didn’t know if he could do that. He cared about Dan more than anything. How was he meant to fix somebody so broken though? He didn’t even know that Dan was having issues…or whatever this was. 

Dan was like a star and Phil was just the dust it left behind. He wasn’t interesting or special, not like Dan. He was boring in comparison but he’d never once wanted to die. Dan was the one who made everything better, who put people together, who made shit sound better than it was. He could fix you with his music, his laughter, the words he spoke and the thoughts he thought. Phil couldn’t fix anyone. 

“Don’t go, don’t leave me alone” Dan pleaded, grabbing onto Phil tightly. He was crying and his eyes were frantic and filled with desperation. They were so different looking that Phil didn’t think he could recognize them. “Tell me you won’t, promise,” Dan slurred. “I don’t have anybody else who gets it, who gets me like you do. This is me, it’s not good and it’s not…it’s not anything worth wanting. I know I’m fucked up and that everyone just thinks I’m crazy. They think that I’m only good for the moment,” Dan rambled on. “But it’s who I am.” 

Phil opened his mouth to say something and then he closed it again. He couldn’t make that promise. He couldn’t save Dan! Especially not from himself. “You’re so drunk, Dan. You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Phil whispered back with one hand in the other’s hair as he tried to calm him down. Dan was pulling away though and shaking his head fiercely. 

“No, no I’m not that drunk. I know what I’m saying. The difference between you and I is that you’re...whatever is inside of you is real and golden and perfect. Mine is fake, tarnished, my insides are ruined. You make me feel like…I could be like you too, I could be good enough someday.” 

Dan clings to him when he doesn’t say anything in return. Instead Phil just holds him because that’s all he can do. That’s all he can give him. He used to think he’d give Dan anything he ever wanted. But his tongue is failing him and no sweet words are going to make this okay again. Phil’s not leaving him, no because Phil doesn’t walk out on people. They walk out on him. And if he doesn’t leave now, eventually Dan will catch on and leave too. 

A while later and Dan passes out on the sofa, half slumped against Phil and half draped across the cushions. When he knows it’s safe to move without waking the man, he starts a mad dash for his keys. He looks everywhere he can think of until finally he comes across them in his jacket pocket. 

Phil thinks for a minute, looking around for a good hiding place. He settled for the fridge behind the milk. Next he calls Dan’s almost best friend. He uses the world almost because Dan claims that he likes all his friends equally. But PJ would be the closest if he had to pick someone. 

He’s got Dan’s phone and it doesn’t take a lot of work to find PJ. The guy answers, sounding half asleep but he’s picked up anyway. He didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds but eventually he’s grumbling something. “Do you know what time it is?” His voice his thick with sleep and he sounds slightly pissed. 

“Actually it’s Phil. Dan’s passed out…um, he took a bunch of pills and I don’t want to leave him alone. But I can’t stay. I really have to go home. Do you think you could come over or uh if you know somebody who could? I don’t want to call his parents…I could maybe call an ambulance if you think that’s better?” Phil mumbled as he stumbled over his words. He’s afraid of this person’s reaction for some reason. Like he’ll think that it’s Phil’s fault somehow. Phil just wants Dan to be okay. 

“Again?” Comes the tired voice. Again? This isn’t the first time? Phil has to remember to hold onto the phone because he could feel it going lose in his hand. “Yeah, I’m on my way. Just leave the door unlocked for me. Hide the keys in case he wakes up. He likes to drive when he’s fucked up,” PJ mumbles before the line goes dead. 

Phil wouldn’t have told PJ that he’d already hidden the keys. It was better to let him assume Phil hadn’t known that. He didn’t want to admit that he’d seen a dark side of Dan. It was like he shouldn’t have seen that. Dan had secrets too but it was too late to take them back if he wanted to now. 

Slowly he moved back to the sofa. Dan didn’t look like he was about to die. He was breathing slow and even and he seemed peaceful for the most part. That didn’t make it okay though. Phil hated himself. He’d never felt so pathetic. He couldn’t be here when Dan woke up though. He didn’t want anything to do with the aftermath. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, pressing a hand against Dan’s cheek. “I can’t…I’m not who you think I am either. I can’t save anybody,” He whispered and then squeezed his eyes shut to keep his own tears from falling. Afterwards he did what PJ asked. He left the door unlocked and left. He’d done what Dan begged him not to. 

He went home, climbed back through his bedroom window, and laid in bed until it was time for class. 

-o-

It felt like he was sleep walking all through class. He didn’t know if Dan would call or message but either way Phil was ignoring his phone. He was worried but he was trying not to think about it. It wasn’t until later that night did he actually feel his phone go off. The first text he’d gotten all day and of course it was from Dan. He couldn’t deny how much of a relief it was. He’d been dying to know if Dan was alright or not. It put something inside of him at ease.

Dan: Look. I’m sorry about last night, I know it was fucked up. Shit got too real. 

Phil read the message a few times before putting his phone down, not bothering to reply. What was there to say? He wasn’t what Dan needed and he was too scared to face that unescapable, impending rejection. He wasn’t giving up on Dan, he was just stating that he wasn’t the one who would save him.

It was easier to ignore his phone then he thought it would be. He did his homework, ate dinner, did the dishes. And all without thinking of Dan. Okay so that last part was a lie. But he was trying.

When he looked at his phone again there were a few more messages. 

Dan: Phil? 

That one had been sent three hours ago. 

Dan: Hey, I hope you aren’t ignoring me or anything. I am sorry. 

That one an hour ago. And the most recent one had been sent about twenty minutes ago. 

Dan: Don’t be like this. 

The days passed until Phil had gone a week without talking to the older boy. His message had clearly gotten across. He was afraid of rejection but Dan ranged from guilty, apologetic, to downright angry. It was all in a series of voice mails and text messages that Phil refused to respond to. Dan didn’t understand. He just couldn’t. 

Dan: I wasn’t that drunk, I know what I said. It was a lot to process and I’m sorry. I’ve got problems but I’m fine, honestly. 

Dan: Could you at least talk to me…

Dan: I don’t understand what I did wrong. Yeah I got drunk and high and said some crazy shit but you can’t forgive me? 

Dan: Fuck you, Phil. I cried in front of you, I opened up in front of you. How could you just fucking ignore me? You don’t know what it’s like to hurt like this. To be this messed up. How could you just walk away from me now? 

All the messages hurt but the worst was the last voice mail Dan had sent. He knew that Phil wasn’t talking to him for a reason. It wasn’t just not ‘being able to get back with him’ not when they had talked every day for the last five months. Had seen each other a few times a week every week.

He was sitting on his bed when he finally worked up the courage to listen. He got his voicemail opened and pressed the phone against his ear and held his breath.

“I’m not going to bother you anymore, which is apparently what I’m doing. I’ll delete your number, I’ll forget where you live, whatever makes you happy.” Dan’s voice felt flat like static in his ears. It was him, he knew that much. But it would never compare to how he sounded in person. 

“I’ll delete you from my life if you want. I just didn’t realize I was so fucked up that you wouldn’t want me anymore. Maybe I don’t remember everything I said, maybe it’s worse than what I thought. But if you can’t tell the person you lo-if you can’t tell the person you’re closest with that you want to crash your car and die who can you tell? It doesn’t matter anymore. You didn’t have to call PJ you know, that was kind of low. I didn’t need a babysitter.” Dan was rambling at that point. Phil would never know that he was just digging for more things to say because he didn’t want this to be the last time he ever talked to Phil. Rather it was in person or not. 

“I guess that’s all I’ve got to say. I’m sorry I ruined whatever it was that we had. I didn’t mean to hurt you, hurt people hurt people though. Anyway…I’ll just let you get on with your life. You don’t have to listen to my music anymore. I know you never liked it.” That was all Dan had said before ending the call. 

Phil couldn’t pretend like he wasn’t crying at that point. He didn’t mean for it to all turn out like this. What happened to his simple boring little life? He couldn’t tell if he regretted going to the concert that night or not. All he knew was that he needed to get away. He just needed to forget for a minute. Sadly it was Dan who had showed him the best way to forget any bad situation. 

He called Charlie. 

“We’re going to this show in Workingham, same venue,” he said as soon as the other boy answered the phone. “I already talked to my brother and his girlfriend is making him let me borrow the car again.” 

“Okay wait, who exactly is ‘we’ because lately it’s been all about you and Dan,” Charlie mumbled on the other end. It was true, Phil hadn’t really been spending nearly enough time with him. Not in the way he usually did. 

“Me and you, fuck Dan alright? He’s got problems. I just want to go this show, have a good time, and not think about anything else. Are you going to go with me or do I have to go alone?” Phil asked, already knowing the answer. Because believe it or not. Charlie was like Dan in a way. Not in all the ways it mattered but in enough. He wondered if Charlie would have run away from him that night too. Probably not. Only Phil was that big of a coward. 

“Alright, I guess so. But you’re paying my way and you’re spending the night at my house,” Charlie demanded. Phil could already hear the hint of a smile in his voice. “But how are we getting in. If you’re fighting with Dan, I doubt he’ll let us in.” 

Phil had already had that covered too. “I’ve got his work scheduled figured out. He won’t be there but his friend will be. And he’ll let us in.” 

“Wow, I guess you really want to go. Anybody good playing tonight?” Charlie asked. Like that would make a difference. He’d go even if he hated the band. Phil could already hear him getting ready. 

“Does it matter? It’s noise so it’ll do,” he mumbled. And it didn’t matter to him. He wasn’t going there to think about Dan. Not the way he looked when he talked. How he’d made his brother’s car smell like cigarettes or the way his eyes looked when he was listening to the shit he called music. 

“It was a bad fight huh? You know you can talk about it if you wanted to,” Charlie said softly. He wasn’t a great friend but he did care from time to time, which was all Phil needed. From time to time friends. 

“I don’t need to talk about, I just want to listen to some music. I’ll pick you up in an hour alright?” 

They said their goodbyes but it wasn’t for long. He promised his parents that they’d be safe, promised his brother not to crash his car, and he promised himself he wouldn’t think of Dan. 

-o-

Like he’d thought getting in was no trouble with Andy working the door. In fact, him and Phil had even stopped to talk for a minute, discussing the bands that were playing and how it would be good. Phil honestly didn’t know a thing about the bands but something inside of him had changed. He was charming his way through the conversation and the door. Maybe it wasn’t fair to be dropping Dan’s name when they weren’t even talking but Phil was getting in to that show and nobody was stopping him. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. Kind of like Charlie that night. 

And when Andy came back in after his shift and offered to buy him a couple beers. Well Phil wouldn’t say no to that either. 

“Hey, Andy is getting me a couple drinks. You’re okay with driving right?” Phil asked Charlie, making his voice loud enough to be heard over the pounding music. 

“What?!” Charlie yelled, whipping around to look at Phil. Already the place was packed with people bouncing and singing along to the music. The lights were going and Phil could feel the bass in his chest again. “I can’t drive!” The other boy said loudly. 

“Why not, you don’t know how?” Phil questioned in return. They both knew that Charlie did in fact know how to drive. The question was meant to be condescending and patronizing. Apparently it had worked. 

“I know how!” Charlie barked, his face heating up. “I’m just not very good at it,” he frowned and shoved his hands into his pockets. 

“You’ll do fine. Besides, I paid for the tickets and I got us in. I drove us here. You kind of owe it to me to drive us back,” Phil reminded him with a slight smile. Charlie looked confused, like he wasn’t sure if Phil was being serious or not. Honestly he didn’t know what had gotten into him either. He was so caught up in trying to forget Dan that he was starting to act like him instead. Overly bold and a bit arrogant. 

“I guess. if I crash though it’s on you,” Charlie scoffed, giving Phil a look before turning back around to face the band. 

A few beers turned into a few more before the show had ended. Phil wouldn’t say that he was drunk but he was a bit more than tipsy. If Dan could drink so could he. He had to admit though, the music didn’t sound the same without the older boy. It was loud and fast and he just knew Dan would have loved it. He thought he might have loved Dan, he hoped it was just how he’d looked in the lighting. 

Andy was pretty cool. He was somebody Phil could trust. He had a girlfriend and he wasn’t ‘trying’ to get Phil drunk or anything. He even helped him find Charlie after the show was over. He didn’t understand why Andy had actually wanted to hang out with him either. He wasn’t Dan, he just knew him. 

“Phil this is an awful idea,” Charlie mumbled as they climbed back into the car. “It’s dark and I can’t really see and you know I don’t even have my permit yet.” Phil had one too many to be afraid of what could happen. Instead of responding he reached for the radio knobs. 

“I said you’ll do fine,” he answered back after a few long second and only because he felt obligated to. “Besides I can’t drive. Not now anyway.” His head felt fuzzy and everything seemed warmer. He wasn’t happy though. The alcohol had only made him feel sad. He wondered why people drank if it made them feel this way. 

“God damn it,” Charlie huffed as he tried to navigate the road. He wasn’t lying when he said he wasn’t very good at it. He kept stepping on the breaks too frequently and with too much pressure. Phil had at least gotten that part down. If they had to go an hour like this he didn’t know how he was going to manage it without throwing up. “I know something happened with Dan but do you have to punish me too? He’s the one you’re pissed off at, make him drive.” 

“Who?” Phil asked, slumping further in his seat. It was his way of telling his friend he needed to shut up because he didn’t know a Dan anymore. It was funny though. He’d went there to take his mind off everything and the whole time he was there all he could think about was him. 

“You’re being childish right now,” Charlie argued before looking over at Phil. But Phil didn’t understand what he wanted from him. Did he want a whole lengthy discussion on what had happened? Because there wasn’t much point in that. Phil didn’t want to hear how he’d messed up. Because yeah, now that he thought about it he had. Dan hadn’t fucked up. It had been him. “Talking about it helps and I can’t help if you don’t talk about it.” 

“Charlie I don’t want to. Please? Let’s just get home your driving is awful,” Phil moaned, tossing his head back against the seat. “And everything on the radio is awful…and I’m awful,” he added sadly. 

“You’re not awful. I don’t’ know what happened but it’s never as bad as you think it is,” Charlie sighed. It was the first wise words Phil had ever heard from his friend before. 

“Dan took a bunch of anxiety medication, told me he wanted to kill himself, and then passed out on the sofa. I didn’t know what to do so I hid his keys in the fridge behind the milk and called his friend. Then I left,” Phil blurted out, sitting up straight in his seat. “I screwed up and I can’t fix it because I can’t fix Dan and…and I’m just too boring and hopeless. Dan would have left me anyway. Everyone is going to leave me in the end so I just sped up the process some,” he confessed, his voice breaking as he struggled to get everything out. “What am I going to do?” 

“What?!” Charlie shouted, his eyes going wide as he turned to look at Phil. “Why would you leave, Phil? I’m…I get it but I don’t. How do you know he was going to leave? You didn’t even give him a chance to stay,” Charlie pointed out. 

“Charlie the road,” Phil mumbled, noticing how the other’s eyes were still on him. “Look it scared me you know? What would you do if somebody told you they wanted to die? I’m not a doctor or a psychiatrist. I’d probably end up making it worse. They would defiantly want to kill themselves afterwards. I’m like the equivalent of getting put on hold when you call the suicide hotline.”

Charlie glanced back at the road but instantly he was looking back at Phil again. “Well first of all a psychiatrist is a doctor. And how do you know you weren’t helping? Maybe you were making things better for him and he was just having a hard time?” The other boy asked. 

“Charlie look at the road,” Phil said again. “And then he called me and sent me a bunch of messages but I didn’t answer him. So now he thinks he’s so messed up that I didn’t want him. Which isn’t true. I’m just…I can’t help in the way I want to. And I’m so scared that he’s going to realize the truth. He said I was the best part of his life…” Phil whispered and tried not choke on his words. 

“Sometimes helping is easy. You don’t have to fix him you just have to be there while he figures it out. You both just sound like fucked up people so you deserve each other,” Charlie huffed. The wise words suddenly gone and replaced with something typical. “You know…I don’t really like him. Number one he smokes too much, he’s too old for you, and I’ve never seen him wear a color other than black.” 

“Charlie you’re swerving,” Phil pointed out, looking out of the windshield and noticing how the edge of the road was getting closer. He wasn’t sober but he knew that wasn’t right. The world wasn’t spinning it was just coming at him from an angle. 

But Charlie didn’t seem to hear him and if he did he’d gotten completely side tracked ranting about Dan and Phil and how they both needed to get over it. He was listing off more reasons why Dan wasn’t as cool as Phil thought he was but he also throwing some good points in. Phil couldn’t hear any of it because they were about to run straight off the road and into the ditch. There wasn’t anyone else out and they were taking the back roads but it had rained the night before. 

“Charlie!” Phil yelled, leaning in and trying to take the wheel. It was out of instinct that Charlie pulled back. He had felt the wheels pull sharply and he’d tried to take control back of the car, only out of habit. It was an accident really. Neither of them had done the wrong thing. Phil, being drunk, probably shouldn’t have touched the wheel at all though. Charlie was trying to keep the car from going swerving too sharply and Phil was just trying to avoid the ditch. 

Which was exactly where they ended up in the end. The car didn’t flip and it wasn’t nearly as dramatic as it could have been.

It was kind of a shame when Phil thought about it. He wasn’t one for dramatics but he would have rather died than have to face his parents again. They had drove straight off the road, hit the shoulder and then the grass and came to complete stop when the car drove straight into the deep ditch. 

The both sat in stunned silence as the radio played on. Each boy tried to process exactly what had just happened. It felt like they sat there forever trying to make sense of it. The beers Phil had before certainly didn’t help. But he was quickly sobering up. “Can you just…drive back onto the road?” Phil asked, still shook up and unsure. 

“I don’t know,” Charlie answered back, too terrified to try. “I think we’re stuck,” he mumbled. Both of their hearts were still pounding, hands shaking, and mouths beyond dry. They sat there for another five minutes just trying to regain themselves. 

“We’re dead,” Phil finally said as he turned in his seat to look at the other boy. “Seriously, I’m dead.” Part of him was frantic while the other part was slowly accepting his fate. 

“Just…we’ll just call your parents…and we’ll uh, we’re going to-um,” Charlie’s sentence was broken and jumbled as he tried to come up with something. It was obvious the boy had nothing. 

“No, we’re not meant to in Workingham. We’re meant to be at the movies, you aren’t meant to be driving, I wasn’t supposed to drink. Fuck!” Phil yelled, finally undoing his seatbelt and jumping out of the car. “My parents, no my brother-no both of them are going to kill me!” 

Charlie jumped out with him if so that he could assess the damage. The car hadn’t been dented or scratched, in an actual miracle. It was simply stuck. But that was more than enough to make two sixteen year olds panic.

“Alright just calm down! We’re gonna…we’re gonna fucking figure this out!” Charlie yelled back. He was trying to look for the best way to get the car out of the ditch while Phil was running his hands down his face rather roughly. 

“What are going to do? Oh my god, I can’t believe this. Why weren’t you looking at the road?” Phil cried out, his fingers tugging sharply at his hair. 

“Well why weren’t you driving? I told you I was a bad driver!” Charlie argued back, still trying to figure out how to get the car out. They might have been able to pull it off it hadn’t been so steep and the ground hadn’t been so muddy from the rain. “You said I’d be fine; this isn’t fucking fine Phil!”

“You said you were a bad driver not a distracted one!” Phil retorted, throwing his head back. “My parents are going to kill me and then give whatever is left of my body to my brother.” 

“I wouldn’t have been distracted if you hadn’t been bitching about Dan,” Charlie yelled again before his eyes were lighting up. That was it, that was the answer. “Call Dan!” 

“What, are you kidding me. No. Now is not the time to try and resolve our issues,” Phil spat, narrowing his eyes at the other.

“No that’s not what I mean. Call Dan and see if he knows what to do. He lives in Workingham right? Maybe he can figure something out. It’s either that or call your parents. Because we don’t know what the hell we’re doing.” 

“No, there is no way I’m calling Dan. I won’t do it. He won’t even pick up the phone to me after how I acted. Overreacted. It doesn’t matter, even if he did answer he’s not going to help. And I don’t even want his help,” Phil frowned, letting himself flop down onto the damp ground. “I’m not doing it.” 

Charlie didn’t bother waiting for Phil to agree before running to the car, grabbing Phil’s cell phone and finding the older boys number.

Phil bolted up from the ground and tried to grab the phone out of Charlie’s hand but it was too late. It was already ringing. Charlie wasn’t strong but he was stronger than Phil and that was all the mattered. 

“Hey Dan it’s me, Charlie! Are you busy? Oh no, he’s fine. We’re fine, well kind of. Not really but we sort of crashed Phil’s brother’s car into a ditch and we can’t figure out how to get it out. We’re on the backroad back to Reading. Yeah the one going northbound. You’ll be here in a couple minutes? Great, thanks. We really appreciate it. Okay, we’ll see you soon.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Phil yelled, throwing his hands up. “Charlie, seriously?” He covered his face with his hands again only to muffle his frustrated screams.

“Hey, he’s coming to help and it was either that or call your parents and I’m not ready to die. I love my life Phil. I’m sorry but I’m not taking the heat for this. Just suck it up and talk to Dan because you don’t have a choice now.” 

Phil wanted to argue it but there wasn’t much he could do. He couldn’t call Dan back and tell him not to come. He couldn’t call his parents to explain what happened. They were metaphorically stuck just like Martyn’s care was literally stuck. 

-o-  
“Fuck,” Dan mumbled, one arm across his chest while his other hand covered his mouth. All three boys were staring at the car. Each wondering how this was going to work. Dan had just showed up with his car parked on the side of the road, hazard lights flashing. He was shaking his head and Phil could feel the disappointment radiating off of him. He wondered if dealing with his family would have been easier. 

“What’s wrong with you two?” Dan suddenly snapped, turning to glare at them. “You don’t have a license and you barely have one,” he said as he pointed at Charlie and then Phil. “And what made you decide to drink in the first place? Do you have any idea how irresponsible this is?” Dan hissed, his eyes meeting Phil’s with pure anger. “What were you thinking, oh right you weren’t. You don’t even realize the chances you took tonight. You’re lucky this was all that happened.” Phil’s mouth fell open as Dan lectured them. He sounded like Phil’s mother. Dan Howell apparently had many different sides. Right now him and Charlie were getting the angry parent. 

“Take pills not chances, right?” Phil spat. “Don’t lecture me, okay? We didn’t get drunk and jump in the car with the intentions of trying to kill ourselves. You could cut us some slack,” Phil said pointedly, his eyes narrowing even further. Dan’s heated gaze turned icy instead. They both knew what he was referring to.

“You’re right, Phil. I don’t need to lecture you on this. You did a stupid thing but I’m not mad,” Dan scoffed, shaking his head again. “Because you’re just a kid, and kids do stupid things.” 

That one hurt more than Phil wanted to think about. They didn’t bring up his age difference often. It was almost five years. He’d never felt younger than he did right then. He’d always tried to distract Dan from how he was only sixteen but tonight it was painfully clear. 

“I just want to say that I told Phil not to drink and I was very adamant that I’m not a good driver,” Charlie said, holding his hands up and taking a step back from the two of them. “And basically this is all his fault, so…” he trailed off and directed his gaze anywhere but on them. 

“I’ll call Chris. His roommate has a truck that we might be able to use to pull this out. If we do though you’re coming back to my place. I’m not letting either of you back on the road. You can wake up early in the morning and head home then,” Dan mumbled, already walking away with his cell phone in hand. 

“Thanks a lot Charlie,” Phil mumbled. “You just had to call him huh? Then it wasn’t enough to call him but you might as well throw me under the bus while you’re at it.”

“Uh yeah actually. I’m not getting in trouble for this shit so you’re welcome,” he replied before waking off as well, leaving Phil alone to stare at the car. This was a disaster. One that he’d caused all by himself. 

Phil had never met Chris or his roommate but they seemed nice enough. They didn’t make him feel bad about his massive screw up and thankfully Dan didn’t fill them in too much. Instead of questioning him and giving him disapproving looks, they laughed it off and told him not to worry about it. “It happens to everyone,” Chris said with a smile, giving Phil the keys back after they had pulled it out. As much as Phil wanted to he couldn’t pretend like he wasn’t relieved.

The car actually hadn’t been that difficult to pull back onto the road. It just took somebody who knew what they were doing and a tuck large enough to pull it out of the mud. Instantly though Dan snatched the keys out of Phil’s hand and put them in his own pocket instead. “Hey, if you don’t mind would drive my car back to my place? I told them I’d drive back. If it’s not too much trouble, you’ve done a lot tonight.” 

The car ride home was silent. Phil in the passenger seat and feeling less intoxicated by the second. And Charlie in the back. Chris had Dan’s car and his roommate was taking him back after they had dropped everyone off. Dan really did have some nice friends; Phil still couldn’t figure out what had made him hate life so much. 

“You don’t mind taking the sofa? You don’t really have an option but I figured I’d be nice and ask,” Dan said, directing his question towards Charlie as he unlocked his front door. 

“No, I’m alright. Thanks for letting us stare here tonight. I’m sorry that you had to take your night off and deal with Phil,” Charlie responded before giving Dan a grateful smile. It was just like him to once again put it all back on his friend. 

“It’s fine. I’ll get you a blanket and some pillows,” Dan answered back as he let them both in. Charlie headed inside first, not bothering to wait for Dan. Which was lucky because Dan was stopping Phil before he could even get inside. “We need to talk.” 

“Don’t tell me you’re going to let him stay here and make me sleep in the car,” Phil grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. He didn’t know why he was acting like he was. He’d told Charlie in the car he knew he’d messed up with Dan. It had been his fault to begin with. But there was still this fear though, a fear he couldn’t shake. And sadness and worry. There were too many emotions to count and he didn’t know how to say it all. 

“Hey, you owe me. In fact I’m glad this happened. If we’re having a falling out and we’re parting ways for good I don’t want to end it on a bad note. You can at least give me that,” Dan sighed before taking Phil’s hand and leading him inside.

Charlie was already lounging on Dan’s sofa, his phone out, and looking perfectly comfortable in an almost stranger’s house. “I’m going to get your friend set up. You can just wait for me in my room alright? Then you can storm out and sleep in the car if you want,” Dan frowned. Once again there was some kind of pleading in his eyes. Like he actually wanted to make this okay again. 

“Sure,” Phil mumbled softly, stepping aside before making his way to the room he’d been in a hundred times. Him and Dan had never done much in here, certainly nothing sexual aside from kissing. He’d always wondered if Dan had never pushed for more because of his age. When he’d asked him about it he got a rather endearing response. ‘Kissing you is better than any sex I’ve ever had.’ Dan had said. It was one of Phil’s favorite memories. 

But the room still held so many other good memories. For almost two weeks he forced himself to believe that he’d never see this room again. Phil was convinced that he’d never see these posters again or Dan’s messy floor and unmade bed. It felt good even if he really didn’t want it to. 

Dan wasn’t gone long. Just long enough to grab Charlie a blanket and a couple pillows. From the sound of it he’d helped the other with the television and was leaving him to settle down for the night. Phil on the other hand felt wired and wide wake. He just figured Charlie was tired and the adrenaline was wearing off. 

“Alright, we’ve got some things to talk about. First I want to apologize for calling you a kid. That was low and I shouldn’t have done it,” Dan mumbled as he stepped inside, shutting the door behind him. If there was one thing Dan liked about himself it was his ability to admit fault. 

Phil had been standing awkwardly on the other side of the room when Dan came in. Dan didn’t hesitate to sit down on his bed though, motioning for Phil to join him. “If you don’t mind,” he added. 

Phil didn’t, not really. He was still crazy about Dan. He still wanted things to be okay even if he was acting like he didn’t. God Dan was right, he wasn’t just a kid but he was a stupid one. 

Hesitantly Phil made his way over to the bed, carefully taking his place next to Dan. It was so hard not to lean into him like he wanted to. “I acted like a kid tonight, all last week actually.” 

“You had a right to. I got messed up and said some things you weren’t ready to hear. I know what I said and I know that it would have been enough to scare anyone off. I’m not blaming you and I’m really not mad even if I left you some pretty hateful messages and voicemails.” 

“I didn’t know anything was wrong, Dan,” Phil whispered. “When I got there you were drunk and you told me you had taken a bunch of pills. I didn’t know if I should call an ambulance or if you were going to die or something. Then you said you wanted to and that you hated your life.” Phil’s voice was so soft he almost couldn’t hear himself. 

“I know, Phil. Believe me I get how wrong that is. I know that it wasn’t fair to just dump everything on you like that. I was having a bad night. A really bad night and…it’s hard for me to talk about it when I’m sober. I just wanted you there. God it hurt when I woke up and realized you weren’t there, then it hurt worse when you ignored me. It made me feel like I was so broken and ruined as a person that you didn’t want anything to do with me. And if that’s the case I understand, it’s not far from the truth.”

“Dan don’t say that, please don’t say that. It’s not true. I just…I can’t fix this. I can’t make you better and I don’t know how to help. You said that I was good and golden on the inside and that you weren’t. You said you were tarnished and ruined. But you aren’t, you’ve got it all backwards. I’m not special and I’m not something wonderful like you think I am. I’m just…ordinary and I don’t know how to make it okay,” Phil said, his voice cracking as he tried to push back his emotion. 

“Phil, I don’t need you save me and I’m not asking for any kind of help. I just didn’t want you to go when you figured out the real me. You know?” Dan sighed softly before reaching out and taking Phil’s hands in his own. “I asked you to promise me you wouldn’t leave and that’s not okay. Because you know I can’t promise I’ll be here forever either. I could jump off a bridge tomorrow and be done with it all. I kind of thought about it to be honest.” Dan’s eyes were so empty looking and he sounded so lost. Phil couldn’t stand it. 

“Don’t say that!” Phil yelled, pulling his hands away. “Don’t say those things, I don’t want that to happen to you. You can’t do that,” he couldn’t stop the tears from falling this time. 

“I’m not saying I’m going to. It’s just an example really. That I can’t promise you forever and I know you can’t promise me forever,” Dan sighed, once again reaching for Phil’s hands. 

“I was scared,” Phil confessed. “You think I’m so great and I’m not. I’m boring, I’m not like you. I don’t know music and I don’t have any good underlying qualities about me. Everyone always leaves me in the end. They always do, Dan,” He whispered before hanging his hand. “And I didn’t want to be left, I knew how bad it would hurt. I thought if I just let you live your life you’d find somebody who could really help. Somebody who actually deserved you and I wouldn’t have to fall apart when it did end. You could find somebody who knew all the right words and would know how to keep you sane.” 

 

“So leave me before I leave you?” Dan asked, giving the younger boy a sad smile. “Yeah, I am kind of mental. But Phil, you have to stop looking inside yourself all the time. Sometimes you need to look outside of yourself. Do you ever wonder if maybe people leave because you push them away?” Dan asked and gave Phil his famous knowing look. 

“Are you so convinced someone is going to walkout on you that you force them to? I’m not saying it’s you but you can’t burn all your bridges and you can’t be afraid of opening up and being connected. I know I’m one to talk huh? I don’t want us to end though…I’m not sure what us is but I’ve never been so happy to be with someone before. When I’m with you it feels like I can actually think right.” 

“Are you going to kill yourself?” Phil asked, not replying to anything else Dan said. He can’t help it. Now that Dan put the idea in his head he can’t get away from it. Would he really do something like that? What kind of person is Dan Howell? Phil thought he knew but every time he thinks he’s got it figured it out, Dan throws out all the pieces and creates a new picture. 

Dan sighed again, seeming to deflate in the process. He pulled his lip into his mouth and chewed lightly on it. That was a bad sign, he wasn’t giving Phil an answer. “Am I going to kill myself?” He repeated back. Phil wondered if he was stalling for time. He tilted his head some as he looked at Phil, trying to come up with the right words to use. Phil loves words and so does Dan but the worst thing in the word is not having the ones you need. 

They stare at each other for a bit, nobody saying anything. Phil’s heart is breaking with every passing second and Dan is looking more unsettled and uncomfortable. That might as well be Phil’s answer. Because if Dan wasn’t going to kill himself he would have said something a lot sooner. 

“No, Phil. I’m not going to kill myself, don’t worry about that alright?” Dan finally answered. It’s the answer Phil wanted and he’s almost positive that’s why Dan said it at all. 

“I could stop you, you know? I’ll tell your parents and all your friends and I’ll tell my parents too. I’ll tell the police and every one who’ll listen. They’ll lock you up so fast you couldn’t do anything about it,” Phil warned, still not trusting Dan as far as he could throw him. 

“I know you will. I’m not going to kill myself. I said I would because sometimes I say shit I shouldn’t. But I’m not going to. If I think I am I’ll call somebody myself.” 

They sit silently again. Nothing has really been resolved and Phil has the unshakable feeling that Dan lied to him. It sounded too practiced and rehearsed. Like he’d done it a hundred times or like he was reading lines straight out of a book. And if Phil was going to name that book it would, “How to Convince People You Aren’t Suicidal.”

When he knows this is all he’s getting from Dan he nods silently. In the end he still believes that Dan is going to leave him. That something terrible is going to happen and it isn’t going to work out. He wants Dan for as long as he can have him though. All the pain and hurt will be worth it. He hopes so anyway. 

“is this us making up?” Phil asked, finally looking back at Dan in question. Dan’s eyes light up some, like Phil hadn’t seen in forever and he smiles gently back. 

“I think so or I would like to anyway. We won’t make promises we can’t keep.” Dan’s voice is slowly going back to normal. It’s not so lost or broken, he’s covering it up well. 

Phil nods again, not exactly feeling like he needs to elaborate or ask for any more of an explanation. Because it’s self-explanatory. This isn’t the love you find in romance novels or in the movies. It’s just love and Phil will love Dan for as long as they have. He doesn’t know much time they’ll be given with each other. All they can do is make the most of it. 

-o-

They’re sitting on the steps of Dan’s apartment complex. He’s smoking a cigarette and Phil’s watching the smoke swirl in the night air. They’re still listening to punk music and Dan still insist that if Phil keeps listening he’ll eventually learn to love it.

“Punk is like…it’s like drinking black coffee. It’s sophisticated and bitter and it just screams ‘I’m dark and mysterious’ but you usually don’t like it the first couple of times. Then after a while you realize you can’t drink any other kind of coffee expect black coffee,” Dan once said. But what was the point in forcing yourself to like something? It was too late for Dan but Phil could still save himself from bad coffee and shitty music and other life lessons that could pertain to this. 

Lately he’s been more into the poppy bubble gum shit. It’s not real punk music but Phil likes it, connects with it, and it’s not played on the radio so Dan doesn’t shame him for it. At least not too much.

Phil will be seventeen in a couple weeks and not much has changed. They throw the word love around a lot but they haven’t established anything, nothing is official. Surprisingly they’re both okay with that. Because both of them were getting their hopes up and praying they wouldn’t be disappointed.

Dan still had hard nights and Phil still thought he was lying when he said he wouldn’t try to kill himself.  
Which Dan might have been but he didn’t hate his life nearly as much. He was moving closer to his parents which meant they could see each other more. They were with each other as often as possible but Phil still had classes and Dan tried not to keep him up to late on weekdays. 

Phil still had his own fears. There were moments when he wanted more. He wanted an actual promise from Dan. One he could count on. But at the same time he couldn’t promise Dan anything Dan couldn’t promise him. So most of the time he tried to let himself focus on the moment. Right then he was with Dan and that was all that mattered. He still didn’t think he was worth nearly as much as Dan thought he was. He was still boring and Dan was still so much cooler. 

“I found this new band, I think you’re going to like them,” Dan grinned, exhaling more smoke into the air. “I was listening to some of their stuff and it’s got a lot of power chords and the lyrics aren’t half bad either. I thought we could go see them this weekend?” It’s more of a question than anything. Dan wouldn’t ever want to drag Phil to any show he didn’t want to see. 

But Phil’s quick to accept the offer, leaning into Dan in the process. He didn’t know when their flame would go out or if it even would go out. There were no words to hold on to or swears of loyalty. They didn’t truly need that though. Sometimes you couldn’t say what you wanted to, you just had to feel it. All Phil knew was that they would be together for as long as they were together and that was all either of them would get.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, I seem to be having a bit of a format issue. If you want to check out the italicized version you can go read it over at tumblr. Also please remember that if you're struggling with mental health issues, make sure you get the help you need.


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